Sunday, February 15, 2009

Trying to pry myself out of the Twilight zone

Okay. I admit it. I have some sort of obsessive compulsive disorder. I can live with it. Once I hit upon something that "speaks to me, " I can't help myself. I completely submerge myself in it. Before I knew I had this problem it really caused some issues and would drive me to severe depressive states because I would neglect everything else. Oh I do the typical mundane stuff that others with OCD do...things have to be in a specific order, things have to be done in a certain order, certain things have to be done or I can't sleep or concentrate or whatever. I check the alarm clock 3 times each night just to make sure it's set right and it's on. I checked the doors twice during the late night hours or I can't sleep. But, when I hit upon something....a story, a movie...just something...that pulls me in and won't let me go, I've learned not to fight it. This recently happened to me with the Twilight saga. I reluctantly read Twilight. I had no real interest in reading it. I had an idea of what it was about. I just didn't really feel that interested. Once I began the book...there was no putting it down. I couldn't stop. Something about the story was just so compelling to me. I can't quite put my finger on it. I finished it in one evening. The next day was my, I went to the store and bought the other 3 books in the series as a gift to myself. I finished all of them in 3 days. And then.....I began slowly rereading each one. That was nearly 3 weeks ago. I have now read each one 5 times and I have no interest in stopping. I've watched the movie every day since that first day I found it. I can't stop. What is it that draws me in?

1. It could be that oh so incredibly strong desire to live forever. I'm not afraid of dying. I'm just so curious about what's going to happen in the future that I don't want to miss it. I want to stick around and maybe even be part of where the world is headed.

2. It could be Edward Cullen. Okay...he's every girls dream....he's dangerous, but he goes to such incredible lengths to keep Bella safe. He's a gentleman. He's sweet and kind and gentle. He's impossibly strong. He's romantic. He does everything he can to make Bella happy. What girl wouldn't fall madly in love with him...vampire or not?

3. It could be that I identify with Bella in some ways. The complete lack of self confidence. The all consuming guilt about the pain I've caused those I love over the years.

4. It could be because I would love to have a family like the Cullens. I would love to have a sister like Alice and brothers like Emmett and Jasper. I would love to have warm and loving parents like Carlisle and Esme.

5. It could be because I'd love to be able to hear other people's thoughts or to see the future or to be able to affect the mood of those around me.

6. It could be because I struggle with some of the same urges that the Cullens struggle with on a regular basis. Perhaps being a vampire would allow me some concessions with those...urges.

I can't pinpoint the reason why this story speaks to me. I've become so completely immersed in Twilight that I have neglected other my classes and my house. But, today I have FORCED myself to start getting back to my life. I still allow myself to read the books throughout the day, but only after I've done some work. All consuming obsessions are crazy. It's like your brain rewires itself and you have no real choice but to go over and over and over and over the same stuff. However, since I accept what it is, I don't beat myself up about it. I don't allow myself to feel too badly because I know this will pass. I may always have it in my mind, but it won't continue to drive my life the way it has in the past 3 weeks.

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