Wednesday, August 11, 2010

My Religion

Let me start by saying that I don't care what you choose to worship. I don't care what religious doctrines you follow. Whether one of the various incarnations of Christianity or Judaism, Muslim, Buddist, Wiccan, atheist, or worshipping cats in heat when the moon is in Aquarius or whatever, I simply don't care.

That being said....

Too many people profess themselves a good *insert appropriate religious preference here* simply because they go to religious services religiously (for lack of a better word). Sitting your fat ass in a religious establishment does not in any way make you a good person. Are you listening to what is being said during these little sit downs? The guy (or girl) up there may actually have something important to say. They aren't just up there for your entertainment. There are lessons to be learned.

Too many people sit in church only to get up and spew hate and venom the moment they walk out after mass. Or the sermon/homily leaks out of their ears and they don't understand what it truly means to live a good life. Not one of us is without sin, if you believe in the Christian doctrines. One of us is no better than another of us.

Telling me that someone is a good Christian truly isn't going to endear that person to me. I've met way too many Christians that are judgemental, mean, hypocritical, and just plain hateful.

You have no right to judge another person for how they choose to live their lives. I know too many Christians that raise their children to hate. Hate people of other religions. Hate people of other races. Hate homosexuals. Hate people with purple hair or piercings. Hate people with blue eyes. Hate Hate Hate. Apparently it's the Christian thing to do.

So go ahead and surround yourself with crosses. Go ahead and quote from whatever religious books you find important. Speak in tongues if you like. It doesn't mean that you'll be in the express lane to Heaven. If you wear a cross, sit in church, and then spew hatred and judgement every day of your'll have God to answer to. Me....I just prefer not to hear it.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

You don't know Jack

You may think you know a person, but you have no idea what really goes on behind closed doors or in their minds. You may think you know a person's situation, but you have no clue. So, think about that before you judge. In fact, how about don't judge at all...because YOU probably have things going on that others don't understand.

Now, I say all of this because my husband, children, and I are moving in with my mother. Since my father died my mother has had her own issues dealing with grief. She's asked us both individually and together several times over the past several months. Hubby and I have discussed it ad nauseum and decided that despite having some reservations (as most people would) that it is the right thing to do at this time for our family. At almost 40 years old with a family of my own, I know how people will judge us for this move. I know how people will look upon if we are mooching off of my mother. People will think that we are financially unable to take care of our family. I know exactly what people will think and what they will say behind our backs. Because, I'd be thinking the same thing.

Problem is....people don't know our situation. Hubby and I make nearly 6 figures a year and have no trouble paying our bills. And, we both agree that we will take over paying all utility bills while living with my mother. Next, people don't realize how much time I have been having to spend at my mother's house for this reason or that, clearing, purging, moving furniture, carrying things to goodwill, and so on. It's been difficult to take care of things with my mother and still take care of my responsibilities with my children and husband at our house. My husband doesn't work a 9 to 5 job meaning that most of the responsibility for our children and our house fall on my shoulders. My mother can't take care of that big house by herself and she is not ready to sell it yet.

So....we move in with her over the next 2 weeks and put our house up for sale. We bank the money (if any) we get from the sale of the house. We'll continue to save while we live there. Then when we're all ready, we plan on purchasing a home large enough for all of us. She may then move in with us. Or, perhaps she'll sell her house and buy something small for her. But, we'll be prepared in the event that she needs to live with us.

I made the decision to step up and start taking care of my parents about a week or two before my father died. I had been bringing them dinner every day and running errands for them, etc. After my dad died, I spent so much time with my mother, I realized just how difficult it is for my mother to get around. She is in excrutiating pain just standing. She has a hard time going up and down stairs. Standing for long periods of time to cook is out of the question. Standing to wash a sink full of dishes is out of the question. Carrying laundry up and down the stairs is increasingly difficult for her. So....

we move in.

So, don't judge people. You don't know why they make the decisions they do.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Giving the finger

Fuck you depression. Just fuck you.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Crazy Train

Where does depression hurt? Right fucking here, damn it!

Hi! My name is Mimi LaRue and I "suffer" from depression. I have been for more than 20 years. In my teens and early 20's this presented itself with many thoughts of suicide. Thankfully I didn't actually act on those thoughts. In my early to mid 20's depression manifested itself in...let's just call it "risky behavior." In my late 20's I broke up with the love of my life and married someone equally as fucked up as myself. When I had my son I saw that my life wasn't just about me anymore and found it much easier to fight through the rough times. I had something to focus on to keep my mind busy. When I lost my daughter, I chose to use that loss to make positive changes in my life and not allow it to bring me down further. My outlook changed. During the next few years, I divorced my baby daddy, moved back to my hometown (which really is a step backwards for me since I really don't like living here), reconnected with the love of my life, got married to him, bought a house, and had a little girl. All's well, right?

Despite everything being so wonderful in my life, depression can still weigh me down. Unlike when I was a teenager, I understand that it's not that I'm feeling worthless or unloved. It's my fucking brain chemistry. Oh...over the past 20 years or so, I've tried antidepressants and anti anxiety meds. The anti anxiety meds usually rock. But the antidepressants really don't help at all. For me they make me not give a fuck about anything. No joy, no sadness, nothing. I could win a bazillion dollars and be like "meh." That's not what I want out of life. And, I've never understood why one of the possible side effects of antidepressants is "thoughts of suicide." Fuck...that's why I was on this shit to begin how exactly is it helping? Anyway, so I have chosen not to take the medicinal route to deal with my depression.

On top of this, I am manic. This means that literally I could be coming out of my skin happy and over the top full of joy and bursting at the seems and bouncing around (you get the picture) for a period of time...could be a few minutes, could be a few hours...typically it's been a few weeks or even months, then I "hit bottom." I crash. As overjoyed as I was is as miserable and unable to function as I become. It's frustrating for those around me. Hell, it's frustrating for me.

I am in one of those manic down periods right now. I've been trying hard to get up and exercise for the past week. Instead, I get up before the alarm goes off and reset the alarm for a later late as I can get by with and still make it to work on time. In the evening when I get home, I'm so exhausted that I really have a difficult time dealing with either of my kids. I just want to be left alone. I have to push myself to make sure everyone is fed, bathed, homework is completed and checked, studying is completed, etc. All I want to do when I get home is crawl in bed. Last night I fell asleep laying across the bed all wonky like and woke up many hours later. I was only able to do this because my husband was home.

Just getting out out bed is a humongous chore. Caring about anything...well, it's difficult. If someone gets angry with me or snaps at me, honestly I'm less likely to battle it out with them simply because it's just not worth it to me right now. I'd just rather move away from that person and be by myself...because I just don't care and in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter. It's not that I don't WANT to do things, I just don't have it in me to do them. If I didn't have a job and kids I would literally stay in bed for days at a time. Thankfully I have the presence of mind to come to work and take care of my kids. I still retain the logical part of myself that understands that my brain chemistry is fucked up and I will eventually "feel" better. I know that if I can FORCE myself to exercise, I will very likely start feeling better. It really is true that exercise is good for the mind as well as the body.

For the moment, however, I really just don't give a fuck about much of anything.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

The Cat's in the Cradle

The time of the bitter divorce and pitting kids against the other parent is past. The time of tearing each other apart because you can't stand to be married...or in the same room together is past. If parents make the decision to divorce, the children should not have to suffer more simply because one or the other other or both parents are too selfish and childish to suck it up and get along with the other parent FOR THE CHILD'S SAKE.

It is in the child's best interest that parents not only get along, but that they also communicate. In my own situation, my child's father and I had a wonderful co-parenting relationship for a while. We were able to call each other anytime and give information pertaining to our child. We were able to make decisions together concerning our child. We put our child's needs first and any issues we had with each other stayed on the back burner. Our child was so much better for it. We provided a united front.

Well, that was in the beginning. What has transpired since that time has been painful and heartwrenching for my son. My son's father remarried. No big deal, right. I had met at least one of his previous girlfriends and didn't think that there would be any major changes in our co-parenting relationship when he remarried. Heck, I was remarried and we still managed to maintain an open line of communication when it came to our son.

This is no longer the case.

This man's entire demeanor and personality changed when he met this woman. He is completely unrecognizable now. He has become rude, mean, callous, and puts his and his wife's needs ahead of his child's best interests. I used to call to tell him of conversations I had with my son's teachers or doctors. But, since this woman entered his life, I have been told not to call. I have always made sure that my child had a gift for his father for holidays, birthdays, Father's Day, etc. I was told "we'll take care of getting each other gifts from him from now on." This statement I have ignored. I am my child's mother and I will make sure that he has a gift for his father. When my ex and his wife make plans to take our son out of town, I ask questions that EVERY parent has a right to know BEFORE his or her child is taken out of town. Where will he be staying? May I get the telephone numbers and addresses of where he will be staying? How long will he be staying? Will he be at the same place for the entire vacation? What is the airline information? Etc. I don't think it's too intrusive to ask for this information. This is my child and I should know how to reach him and where he is. When my husband and I take my son out of town, I provide all of this information to his father prior to leaving and without having to be asked. I feel it is common courtesy. However, this actually became a problem before one of their vacations to California. I asked repeatedly for weeks for the information via telephone, in person, voicemail, and email. The day before they were to leave on their trip, a mere hours before my ex was supposed to pick my son up from me I finally called him and told him that if I didn't have the information I requested, our son would not be going on the trip.

My ex made it abundantly clear that I was not to communicate with him in anyway, shape, or form anymore.

My son has been telling me more and more frequently that he does not like staying at his dad's house and that he really doesn't want to go. He says he enjoys spending time with his dad, but that he would rather just see him for a few hours and then come back home (my house). My son (without prompting from me) tells me that his dad doesn't listen to a thing he says. He tells me that when he asks about going to Cub Scout meetings, his dad will tell him that they will be going to visit relatives and then when the time comes, they don't go anywhere.

I have always encouraged my son to have a good relationship with his father, even after his father and I could no longer communicate with each other. When he brings his concerns to me, I've told him that he needs to discuss it with his father. What else can I do? I've been told by lawyers that as long as my son isn't being abused, then what goes on when he is with his father is "not my business." That seems so wrong to me. I am his parent. It is my business to know what goes on when my son is with his father just as much as it's his father's business to know what goes on when my son is with me. But, the few times I have tried to discuss anything with my son's father, I was dismissed. My concerns fall on deaf ears.

All that I can hope for now is that as my son gets older he will feel more comfortable expressing his concerns to his father. The problem is that his father is laying down such dysfunctional groundwork that when my son does come out of his shell, it's going to be to tell his dad that he wants nothing to do with him. He's damaging his relationship with his son for the sake of his wife. One day my son's father is going to want to talk to his son. He's going to want to offer advice. He's going to want to be there. But, the possibility exists that it will be too late then.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Happy Happy Birthday...

Today would have been my dad's 68th birthday. He's been gone for a little over 5 months.

My dad was a great man. Of course he had his faults. Absolutely wasn't perfect. Who is? But he was a perfect dad to me. He gave of himself to anyone that needed him. This man worked 3 jobs to take care of our family. He raised money for various causes. He gave money to family and friends that needed it. In fact, in my opinion my dad was taken advantage of by the very family and friends that he helped. But he was too good a person to say anything.

He lent quite a bit of money to at least 2 brothers that I am aware of. Apparently they don't get that borrowing means paying back at some point. These family members never even attempted to pay him back. His whole family have always looked upon us as not needing the we were rich. Where the fuck were they when he worked 3 jobs to pay bills? Where the fuck were they when our family had to cut back on our budget? You know, my parents borrowed money and PAID IT BACK!!!! My dad gave cars (used, but hey they were free to the people he gave them to), and bought items for some members to sell in their business. Did my dad expect to be repaid? No. He was doing all of it out of the kindness of his heart...even when it caused struggles at home...financially and otherwise.

Today, on my dad's birthday I've discovered how little his family regards my dad and once again discovered that my mother and I will never be considered a part of their family. First, the person that has power of attorney over my uncle made sure that HIS children receive things from my uncle...including a house (A HOUSE THAT I FUCKING LIVED IN AND HAD AN EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT TO) and a vehicle. Now cousin is assuming a note and at some point $90,000 will be exchanged...$45k will pay off the note. That means that there will be another $45k. Who the hell will be getting that? I guaranfuckingtee that not a penny will come my way. They have divided up all of my uncles possessions and what little money he has without considering that my dad's part should come to my mother and me...or if they hate my mother so much....just me as I am a blood member of this family. Oh...and guess what! They are dividing my uncle's belongings up and he's not even dead. He's in a home. Not one of them visits. Seriously, he'd be better off if one of them just shot him in the head and got it over with.

Same people told my mom that they wanted the shotgun my dad had only days after he died...and they hadn't so much as spoken to my mother or me to express condolences.

Am I angry? Yes. I'm angry and extraordinarily hurt that my FAMILY doesn't consider me part of their family and are so eager to assume my dad's portion of ANYTHING. My dad did more for my uncle that any of these other people did.

I am embarrassed. I am hurt. And I am pissed.

They have taken antique picture frames that belonged to my grandparents and SOLD THEM! They are taking china cabinets and other nice things that mean nothing to them. They are just going to sell them or give them to their kids that won't appreciate them and will destroy them.

I keep typing like I'm actually going to be able to express what I'm feeling and it just isn't going to be sufficiently expressed.

Dad, I love you. I miss you. I know that you are pissed right now about what they are doing...both to your little brother and to your wife and daughter. I had hoped that your family could honor your memory by coming together to take care of family. But they are still only taking care of themselves. This is not at all what your life was about.

Monday, December 7, 2009

2009 I Hate to See You Leave, But I Love to Watch You Go

2009 has not been the kindest year. 2009 had promise there for a while. The first half of the year brought with it bitter realizations and then soaringly high hopes stregnthened with a resolve of steel. I discovered acting was not only an amazing outlet, but also that I truly enjoyed it and looked forward to each and every class. I've overcome quite a few fears this year.

The second half of the year was vastly different. We experienced intense loss and grief when my father died. I keep being drawn into crazyville because some are having extreme difficulty accepting the loss. My husband was extremely ill and spent several days in the hospital for a still undiagnosed problem. My daughter has been ill since for nearly 3 months and the doctors have not yet been able to determine the cause.

2009 has been the kind of year that you definitely will not look back and remember it fondly.

So, 2009, you bitch. You took from us. You knocked us down over and over again without giving us a chance to even catch our breath. I will not miss you. I hope you die a thousand painful deaths.