Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Crazy Train

Where does depression hurt? Right fucking here, damn it!

Hi! My name is Mimi LaRue and I am bipolar. I've been bipolar for more than 20 years. In my teens and early 20's this presented itself with many thoughts of suicide. Thankfully I didn't actually act on those thoughts. In my early to mid 20's depression manifested itself in...let's just call it "risky behavior." In my late 20's I broke up with the love of my life and married someone equally as fucked up as myself. When I had my son I saw that my life wasn't just about me anymore and found it much easier to fight through the rough times. I had something to focus on to keep my mind busy. When I lost my daughter, I chose to use that loss to make positive changes in my life and not allow it to bring me down further. My outlook changed. During the next few years, I divorced my baby daddy, moved back to my hometown (which really is a step backwards for me since I really don't like living here), reconnected with the love of my life, got married to him, bought a house, and had a little girl. All's well, right?

Despite everything being so wonderful in my life, depression can still weigh me down. Unlike when I was a teenager, I understand that it's not that I'm feeling worthless or unloved. It's my fucking brain chemistry. Oh...over the past 20 years or so, I've tried antidepressants and anti anxiety meds. The anti anxiety meds usually rock. But the antidepressants really don't help at all. For me they make me not give a fuck about anything. No joy, no sadness, nothing. I could win a bazillion dollars and be like "meh." That's not what I want out of life. And, I've never understood why one of the possible side effects of antidepressants is "thoughts of suicide." Fuck...that's why I was on this shit to begin with...so how exactly is it helping? Anyway, so I have chosen not to take the medicinal route to deal with my depression.

On top of this, I am manic. This means that literally I could be coming out of my skin happy and over the top full of joy and bursting at the seems and bouncing around (you get the picture) for a period of time...could be a few minutes, could be a few hours...typically it's been a few weeks or even months, then I "hit bottom." I crash. As overjoyed as I was is as miserable and unable to function as I become. It's frustrating for those around me. Hell, it's frustrating for me.

I am in one of those manic down periods right now. I've been trying hard to get up and exercise for the past week. Instead, I get up before the alarm goes off and reset the alarm for a later time...as late as I can get by with and still make it to work on time. In the evening when I get home, I'm so exhausted that I really have a difficult time dealing with either of my kids. I just want to be left alone. I have to push myself to make sure everyone is fed, bathed, homework is completed and checked, studying is completed, etc. All I want to do when I get home is crawl in bed. Last night I fell asleep laying across the bed all wonky like and woke up many hours later. I was only able to do this because my husband was home.

Just getting out out bed is a humongous chore. Caring about anything...well, it's difficult. If someone gets angry with me or snaps at me, honestly I'm less likely to battle it out with them simply because it's just not worth it to me right now. I'd just rather move away from that person and be by myself...because I just don't care and in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter. It's not that I don't WANT to do things, I just don't have it in me to do them. If I didn't have a job and kids I would literally stay in bed for days at a time. Thankfully I have the presence of mind to come to work and take care of my kids. I still retain the logical part of myself that understands that my brain chemistry is fucked up and I will eventually "feel" better. I know that if I can FORCE myself to exercise, I will very likely start feeling better. It really is true that exercise is good for the mind as well as the body.

For the moment, however, I really just don't give a fuck about much of anything.

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