Tuesday, June 23, 2009

My Name is My Name is.........

I understand that there are A LOT of people in the world. I understand that you meet throngs of people each day and can't be bothered to actually remember everyone's name. However, you should make a fucking point of learning and committing to memory the names of the fucking people that PAY YOU, that MAKE SURE YOUR BENEFITS ARE CORRECT, THAT PROTECT YOU FROM THE ASS CLOWNS THAT ARE YOUR BOSSES THAT WANT TO FORCE YOU TO USE VACATION TIME FOR A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT INSTEAD OF SICK TIME. Yes. These people's names you should remember. Make a point of it. Use it when you meet us for the first time. Write it down. Take a picture of us, write our name on it, and tape it up next to the picture of your family you keep at your desk. Because if you continue to call me by someone else's name even though you've been here for a year, I did your orientation, I answer your phone calls and emails about your insurance problems, I visit your office several time each year with important information, I harass you about getting your training done each and every month, and I'm the one that makes sure that you have fucking working air condition in the middle of the fucking summer when it's over 100 degrees outside...I promise you I'll make sure you'll never get another paycheck. I promise you that I'll lose your insurance enrollment forms. I promise you that the air condition will never work in your office again except during the coldest months of the year when I will make sure that it's set to 10 degrees.

Learn my name! I am but one person. I have to learn all 130 of your names. Don't fuck with me.

Friday, June 19, 2009

If it's in the computer, it must be so

Yesterday I went to the doctor. I don't ever really mind going to the doctor. I usually have...an...experience. Yesterday was no exception. The new medical assistant was taking my vitals and was asking me questions to verify that I was, in fact, me. However, she asked WAAAAYYYYY more questions than anyone ever has there.

Ass Clown Medical Assistant: Do you know your birthdate?

Me: Yes, I do.

ACMA: What is it?

Me: 1-28-71

ACMA: Are you sexually active?

Me: Define "active"

ACMA: Are you having sex?

Me: Well, not right now. That would be awkward, wouldn't it?

ACMA: I need to put down something.

Me: My husband and I are rarely together awake without the kids. What do you think? But, maybe once or twice a year we manage to get our groove on. Geez.

ACMA: Let's see....you've had a tonsilectomy, a ooectomy, a google-ectomy, LEEP, CS-1.

Me: *blank stare*

Me: *blink* Ummm...okay.

ACMA: You've been pregnant 4 times and you have 3 children?

Me: No

ACMA: The computer says you've been pregnant 4 times.

Me: Yes, I have been. But, I have 2 children.

ACMA: The computer says you have 3 living children.

Me: That would be incorrect then.

ACMA: So, you were pregnant 4 times?

Me: Yes.

ACMA: The computer says you have 3 children at home.

Me: Well, if you want to get fucking technical about it, yes. However, I can tell you with a great fucking deal of certainty that I only have 2 living children. Thank you so much for brightening my day.

ACMA: I'm sorry ma'am. I'm just going by what the computer says.

Me: Can we move this along? I'd like to go slit my wrists now.

ACMA: Let's see...your tests came back abnormal in 1998 and in 2008. Is that right?

Me: If that's what the computer says.

ACMA: Alrighty, let's take your blood pressure!

Me: Is this a joke?

ACMA: What?

Me: You seriously go through all of that and THEN you want to take my blood pressure?

ACMA: Haha!

Now, once that ass clown left the room, everything was fine. The doctor came in and the usual crazy went on.

My doctor talks like the guy from the Micro Machine commercials. Really fucking fast. It's like she main lines Starbucks extra caffeinated extra venti 6 word coffees. It's funny. So she comes in:

Micro Machine Doctor: Heyhowareyouyou'relookinggoodwow!

Me: Hey! Thanks!

MMD: Youlostweightyoulookgood

Me: Yeah. Thanks

MMD: Howarethekids?

Me: Great

MMD: Welllet'sseeyouhadanatypicalcellonyourlasttestsowe'llrunthetestthistimeandgofromthere

Me: Okie dokie. Sounds good

MMD: Whatkindofbirthcontrolareyouusing?

Me: Abstinence. We hardly spend time together

MMD: *laughs* Couldyoutalktomy18yearoldpatients? *laughs*

Me: *laughs*

Then the whole exam thing was bizarre in and of itself because she and her nurse proceeded to chat with each other and with me and I'm just like...."Could we possibly wait until I'm dressed and don't have my legs in stirrups to have this discussion?" More laughter.

Now, MMD and I did have that "I need to make sure that I never get pregnant again" talk. She went over several things, but she feels quite strongly that I have been through a lot in my life and really my husband should man up and just get the fucking vasectomy.

I love her

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

"What Made You So Shy?"

I'm taking acting classes. I know...cool, right? Anyway, acting is something that I've always wanted to do, but have allowed that overwhelming fear of speaking in front of people keep me from so much as trying it. Just the mere thought of standing in front of people and having to speak made my stomach go in knots and makes me want to throw up. Well, over the past few years I've made some progress. I wouldn't say that I'm ready to give any major speeches, but I can at least get my fat ass up and talk. If I say something stupid, I can laugh at myself instead of walking in front of a bus. The embarassment truly isn't as bad as you would think. Hell, cancer is bad....war is bad...embarassment is really nothing.

That first class where I had to stand up and introduce myself and give a little information about why I was interested in acting was the worst. That was the first step. Nearly 8 or 9 weeks later, I have to say that I am more confident. Oh, I absolutely get a case of nerves before I get up there, but it's nothing like it used to be. I'm able to make eye contact when speaking. I'm able to form coherent thoughts. I am discovering that not only do I enjoy acting, but I actually have some talent. Go fucking figure.

This past week I went to my first Improv class. Now, although I've gotten more comfortable performing in front of people, I have to say that just the mere word Improv makes me nervous. I can't even think of it without getting myself worked into a near deathly panic. But, I actually enjoyed the class. I had to get up in front of class and tell them what experience I had with acting (virtually none...unless you want to include working at hotels for years...boy, do hotel employees tell whoppers on the spot all day, every day), why I was interested in acting, when I became interested, etc. Well, I got up and was surprisingly more confident and not really all that uncomfortable compared with the very first acting class I had taken weeks before.

I have been interested in acting all my life. I used to act in my room at home. My cousin would come up with stories and we'd act them out. He filmed one of them when we were about 10 years old or so. It was great. I loved it. But, I was already pretty shy and as I got older I only got more shy. When I told the class this the Improv coach asked "What made you so shy?" That question actually kind of threw me for a loop because I never really gave it a lot of thought. But, it's nearly all I've thought about since he asked.

Let's see....what made me so shy......

She never wanted children. He wanted a lot of children. I was the compromise. All of their hopes and dreams were squarely on my shoulders. She expected a lot. She set the bar really high and I was never able to quite reach it. I learned early that it was a lost cause, but I still kept trying.
She has a certain strict set of rules that EVERYONE should live by and I was the only one under her control. And, control she did. So much so that she told me that if she died, I should just jump in the grave with her because I wouldn't be able to function without her.
Anytime I had an idea or made a plan or got excited about something that I wanted to do, I was basically shot down most of the time. "You can't do that," "You're not going to want to do that," and so on.
As I got older, I dated some of the most controlling guys a person could possibly meet. Just like she did, they dictated what I should wear, how much makeup to wear, who I could talk to, etc. Honestly, what the fuck was I thinking back then? Pretty much the worst thing that could happent to a female happened to me when I was 18. It took me YEARS to get past this. I spent some time single and it was all on me to do what I wanted. It was so freeing. It was wonderful. Still, the fear, the lack of self confidence, and the need to have someone's approval was always there.

What changed? What gave me the courage to begin down this path to what I hope will be fearlessness? Well, something pretty life changing occurred about 7 years ago. I told myself on that day that I wouldn't waste one more minute of my life on negativity. I began figuring out what I wanted to do. I began to slowly throw off those chains that have been placed upon me by those in my life that were keeping me from becoming the person I was meant to be.
Then, only a few months ago, I was slammed with a realization that was so powerful and so forceful that it truly felt like I was punched in the gut. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for her. She will never accept me for the person that I am. She will never like what I choose to do. It was gut wrenching to realize. But, I processed it and I came through it stronger and more determined to do whatever the fuck I wanted to do. I would force myself through the fear so that when I look back on my life I will be able to say that I had the guts to follow my dreams. Sure, I'm starting a bit late, but the point is that I'm doing it.

Now, I may never be a famous actress. I may never become rich as an actress. Neither of those things mean anything to me. I love acting. I absolutely love it. The more I do it, the more I want to do it. I'm getting impatient for the opportunity to actually have a complete body of work to do instead of just short scenes. But, I know that I'm really early on in my training and I need to keep it up. I'd like to be able to support my family with my work as an actress. If I could make at least what I'm making at my job now, I'd be thrilled. Anything more than that will send me running naked down the street squealing like a stuck pig in complete and total glee. But, if I never get an acting job. If all I do is train and go to audition after auditon and never get a part...I'll still be thrilled because I'm working towards something great. I'll be able to look back on my life and know that I worked hard, I enjoyed the ride, and I did what the fuck I wanted to do. There will be no more regrets.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Oh My God! I can't believe it's YOU!

So, I went to a junior high school reunion. Yes, that's right. I said JUNIOR high school. I thought it was bizarre myself. Anyway, I fully expected to get there and be bored. I know it's awful to say this, but I really had no interest in seeing any of those people again. It's not that I wish any of them any ill, but the past is the past and well, no need to drag out all those memories and shit.

Fuck it. I went. At first, I didn't recognize anyone. Seriously, I was looking around and there was absolutely no one that I saw that looked even vaguely familiar. Okay. So, my husband and I had paid to be there and there was liquor and food and we had each other. We got a couple of drinks and started chatting with each other. I was perfectly okay with talking to my husband. He's so cute. (Hi honey! You are the sexiest man alive. You rock my world, baby. *blows kisses in your direction*) Anyway, I look over and see the person I was looking forward to seeing there....my friend Bobby. (Sorry, but you will forever be Bobby to me. I have no idea who this Bob person is) Okay, so it was awkward at first with everyone. Once I had a few drinks in me, I felt more comfortable and was able to chat with people. Still, I recognized almost no one. People would come up to me with that whole "Oh my God! It's been so long! How've you been?" And I would stand there and do my best to convince this person that I remembered them. Truth is, until I saw their name tags, I had no fucking clue who 3/4 of those people were.
As a bonus, those of us that paid ahead of time got to have one of our year book pictures on our name tag. And, as a double bonus, they seemed to have chosen the worst picture of the 3 year book pictures. Awesome! My husband just kept telling me that I looked like a boy. Fucker!

All in all, the night went well. I enjoyed myself. I didn't get as hammered as I ordinarily would have so I didn't make the usual ass of myself. I didn't dance. I didn't take my clothes off. I didn't make out with anyone. I didn't end up in the pool...although I tried hard to get Bobby into the pool. I even promised that if he went in, I'd get in. But, it didn't happen.

As much as I really didn't want to go, I had fun.

My 20 year high school reunion is in just a few weeks. I can't wait! Again, there are only a few people I have any interest in seeing, but what the hell. I may actually make an ass of myself at that reunion. I can't wait to share it with you.