Friday, June 19, 2009

If it's in the computer, it must be so

Yesterday I went to the doctor. I don't ever really mind going to the doctor. I usually Yesterday was no exception. The new medical assistant was taking my vitals and was asking me questions to verify that I was, in fact, me. However, she asked WAAAAYYYYY more questions than anyone ever has there.

Ass Clown Medical Assistant: Do you know your birthdate?

Me: Yes, I do.

ACMA: What is it?

Me: 1-28-71

ACMA: Are you sexually active?

Me: Define "active"

ACMA: Are you having sex?

Me: Well, not right now. That would be awkward, wouldn't it?

ACMA: I need to put down something.

Me: My husband and I are rarely together awake without the kids. What do you think? But, maybe once or twice a year we manage to get our groove on. Geez.

ACMA: Let's've had a tonsilectomy, a ooectomy, a google-ectomy, LEEP, CS-1.

Me: *blank stare*

Me: *blink* Ummm...okay.

ACMA: You've been pregnant 4 times and you have 3 children?

Me: No

ACMA: The computer says you've been pregnant 4 times.

Me: Yes, I have been. But, I have 2 children.

ACMA: The computer says you have 3 living children.

Me: That would be incorrect then.

ACMA: So, you were pregnant 4 times?

Me: Yes.

ACMA: The computer says you have 3 children at home.

Me: Well, if you want to get fucking technical about it, yes. However, I can tell you with a great fucking deal of certainty that I only have 2 living children. Thank you so much for brightening my day.

ACMA: I'm sorry ma'am. I'm just going by what the computer says.

Me: Can we move this along? I'd like to go slit my wrists now.

ACMA: Let's see...your tests came back abnormal in 1998 and in 2008. Is that right?

Me: If that's what the computer says.

ACMA: Alrighty, let's take your blood pressure!

Me: Is this a joke?

ACMA: What?

Me: You seriously go through all of that and THEN you want to take my blood pressure?

ACMA: Haha!

Now, once that ass clown left the room, everything was fine. The doctor came in and the usual crazy went on.

My doctor talks like the guy from the Micro Machine commercials. Really fucking fast. It's like she main lines Starbucks extra caffeinated extra venti 6 word coffees. It's funny. So she comes in:

Micro Machine Doctor: Heyhowareyouyou'relookinggoodwow!

Me: Hey! Thanks!

MMD: Youlostweightyoulookgood

Me: Yeah. Thanks

MMD: Howarethekids?

Me: Great

MMD: Welllet'sseeyouhadanatypicalcellonyourlasttestsowe'llrunthetestthistimeandgofromthere

Me: Okie dokie. Sounds good

MMD: Whatkindofbirthcontrolareyouusing?

Me: Abstinence. We hardly spend time together

MMD: *laughs* Couldyoutalktomy18yearoldpatients? *laughs*

Me: *laughs*

Then the whole exam thing was bizarre in and of itself because she and her nurse proceeded to chat with each other and with me and I'm just like...."Could we possibly wait until I'm dressed and don't have my legs in stirrups to have this discussion?" More laughter.

Now, MMD and I did have that "I need to make sure that I never get pregnant again" talk. She went over several things, but she feels quite strongly that I have been through a lot in my life and really my husband should man up and just get the fucking vasectomy.

I love her

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