I don't know if it's the holidays, the fact that I'm so busy that I can't find 5 minutes to just sit quietly and relax, or if it's something deeper...like a mid life crisis. I can't seem to pull myself out of the funk that I've wandered into lately. I love this time of year. I love having things to do. I even don't mind going to work. But I'm finding that I'm spending less time with my kids and it's making me crazy. I'm finding that there really aren't that many things to do at work. In this economy, you don't want to look around and realize that there isn't enough work for you because when the lay offs and cut backs start, you will be the first person they look at. I try to make myself look busy. But, yes, it is discouraging. I want to feel like what I do makes a difference. Should I stay in the position and just learn everything I can and hopefully move up in a few years if I haven't been laid off? Should I get trained to do something else and move on from here? I want people here to have the confidence in me to come to me with questions. I want to feel more confident myself. The fact is....I have little confidence. How does one go about becoming more confident? There are people in this world that always seem to be so completely confident in themselves that everyone feels comfortable that what they say is law. How does that happen? At what point in their lives did they just know that they were going to forge paths or have such a complete understanding of themselves and others that they no longer feared falling? Try as I may, I still fear making huge mistakes. I know that making mistakes is part of life. But it's the huge mistakes...the ones that get companies sued or ruin people's lives...that make me pause every time I try to answer someone's questions. At what point will I be confident enough in myself to believe that what I tell people is correct?
Tell me something. Why is it anyone's business whether two people get married? If two men want to marry each other, who. the. hell. cares?! If two women want to marry each other, who.the.hell. cares?! Seriously. Why is it anyone's business but those two people? If you don't like or agree with same sex marriages...if it offends your delicate sensibilities....listen closely Don't marry a same sex partner! Don't go to a same sex wedding! But you have no right to tell other people who they can fall in love with or who they choose to spend their life with. No one is telling you that you can't marry the person of your choosing. I don't even understand why this stupid issue was put to a vote. Did I miss that part in history where heterosexual marriage was put to a vote? What the hell is it to you if your neighbor marries a same sex partner? How exactly does that affect your life? I've heard "I don't want my children exposed to gay people making out" etc. Give me a large break! Honestly, I don't want my children seeing ANYONE that chooses extreme public displays of affection like tonsil hockey and groping out in public. Sure, kids are going to ask questions. You answer them the way your morals and values dictate. Go ahead...perpetuate hate and intolerance. Okay. So you believe that the Bible says that homosexuality is an abomination. I still have to ask...why is it your business? These people are not trying to marry you, not trying to be intimate with you. If what they do offends God in some way, then that is between them and God. It isn't your business and it isn't your job to get between anyone and God.
Live your life the way you choose and let everyone else live the way they choose.
Okay...aside from my family and cooking I have one huge passion. That is music...especially singing. Oh My God! I absolutely love to sing. Usually, I'm pretty good. I wouldn't say that there is a record deal in my future or anything, but I totally rock MY world and my kids love it (unless they are pissed at me). I just wished that I had the ovaries to sing in front of people other than my husband and kids. Music in general just has such an incredible affect on me. I can't even just put on music while I'm cleaning the house...because no house cleaning will get done. It always ends up with me standing on the sofa singing to my legions of fans. I imagine anyone peeking in my windows would likely call the men in white coats to cart me off. Aahh. But, it's such a peaceful crazy feeling. The combination of alcohol and music...I can't even describe the insanity that ensues. Let's just say that there are pictures of a certain blogger and the president of her company (a bank) "cutting a rug" at the company Christmas party. Ummm....all I can say was that there were several drinks involved AND my husband dared me.
Crazy woman! This is what my 7 year old son calls me. So aside from the free concerts I give, I also do some pretty crazy dumb dancing...at home, at work, in the mall, wherever. So, while he enjoys me being a little crazy I think he's starting to get to the age that mom embarrasses him by just being alive. The next few years I'm likely to cause him a GREAT DEAL of red faces to match his red hair. But, I want my kids to learn that life is too short to always play it straight. I want them to embrace every moment. Who cares if someone sees you dancing like a complete moron or sees you walk into a tree because you weren't paying attention?
Crazy woman! This is what my husband calls me occasionally (only oaccasionally to my face...he probably says it daily behind my back). Yes. My family...I adore them...but they make me bonkers. "Pick up your clothes." "Clean your room." "Please call the cable company." "Pick up your clothes." "Please do some laundry." "I said clean your room!!!!" "Why am I the only one here doing these things?! Don't you guys SEE what needs to be done?!" Yes...this goes on quite a bit...I think they are trying to make me crazy. They like to wait until my head is spinning completely around on my body and my screeches are shaking the house. Children by their very nature are not logical beings (OMG! Am I quoting Star Trek?). However, my husband, wonderful man that he is, is like my third child. I actually have to step between him and the television in order to have a conversation with him. I have to throw in random comments like "I slept with your best friend," or "We are going to a swingers party on Saturday" just to make sure he's listening. I know that this is not unique. But man can that drive a person absolutely batty. I mean what the hell? If women acted more like the men, how little would actually get done? I actually tested this at my house a few months ago. I stopped washing clothes (except mine), stopped cleaning the bathrooms, stopped cleaning the kitchen, etc. After like 3 weeks I was ready to just burn the house down and live under a bridge. It would have been cleaner than my house at that point. Apparently, I'm the only one it bothered. My husband and my son had no problems with dirty dishes overflowing onto all of the kitchen counters, wearing dirty clothes, using a disgusting bathroom. Gross. The only real problem they had with my mini strike was that there was no food in the house. Go figure. I knew this about my husband...I had been in the apartment he had when we were dating. I'm fairly certain that when he moved out of that place the owner had to replace the carpet and strip the walls down to the studs and replace all applicances. Heck, they probably just set the place on fire and salted the earth. My son, however, I did not expect this from. I had taught him to do his own laundry and put his clothes in the hamper, etc. But no. The male gene is too damn strong with that one.
Oh yes. I am a crazy woman. The people I live with make me crazy. But I wouldn't want to spend one day without them in my life.
And music gives me the outlet I need....so I don't have to end up on an episode of COPS.
So, here I am. I've gone over and over in my head whether this blogging thing is a good idea. Is it ever a good thing to let random people into your head? Especially when comments you make in your everyday life typically leave people staring at you in confusion...usually with their heads cocked to the side like dogs. Are you messing with them or are you genuinely this disturbed? They can never tell. I admit, that alone tickles me in ways I'm not proud of. But, hey, I'm not blogging for any other reason than to get this craziness out of my head from time to time.
I am riddled with knots or as my husband likes to tell me, my neck and shoulders feel like stone. He says he can't tell if he is massaging bone or a knotted muscle. 9.5 times out of 10 it's the knotted muscle. Why? I guess because like every other mother, I take it upon myself to try to do everything. I stay constantly stressed. Frankly, how I haven't had a heart attack yet is a surprise even to me. Everything needs to be done and needs to be done NOW! Then I get overwhelmed and curl up in the fetal position on the sofa and eat my way through several bags of trans fat filled comfort food until I just want to hurl. There might be some normal person under all of this twisted knotted mess, but I wouldn't recognize her. I know, I need to learn how to "manage stress" better. Who in the world has time for that?