Patience

I have a problem with anger. When I used to get angry, I would break things. On one of those occasions when I was 15, I broke my finger as well as the telephone that I punched. The finger is still "broken" to this day...as a reminder of my stupidity. I am slow to burn, but once I'm pushed too far...there is an explosion. I have a hole in my wall at home that we've had to patch. I've punched walls and doors. I punched through a pane of glass on the door of my grandparents house when my cousin locked me out when I was a child.
My child seems to have inherited that temper. Since he came into my life it's like an overwhelming calm washed over me. I never ever dreamed of having the kind of patience that I have now. Granted, as he gets older and more opinionated and OBSTINATE my patience slips from time to time. I don't punch or throw or anything....but, I shriek like a banshee. Our battles over the past few years have been of the huge momentous kinds because, being like me, the angrier and louder I got, the angrier and louder he got. I tried something one time.........I remained calm (on the outside, of course...inside I was seething). It shut him down. He had no where to go if I wasn't feeding the monster. Once he realizes that I'm not budging and I'm not yelling...he goes into pout mode and just chooses not to be near me and not to talk to me. Fine. Whatever. Then, all of sudden (could be minutes later...more likely it's an hour or more later) he's apologizing and all cheerful again. It really makes me want to stab myself repeatedly. It's so unbelievably frustrating. Kids think they know everything.

My husband, however....a whole different story. He tells me he's amazed that I have infinite patience. HA! I told him my patience is not infinite. I reserve my patience for my children. For the rest of the world...WATCH OUT! If he gets a little lippy with me....ohhhhhh, it's on. Recently after I made one of my typical sarcastic remarks to him he said "Woman, do I need to slap you around to remind you who's the boss?" My reply to him...in the quiet scary voice that I use to...well, get my point across..."You could. But you would never be able to sleep safely in this house again." giggle. I love him, but damn... He and I have very similar personalities in this regard. He's slow to burn, but when he does...WATCH OUT! I've never witnessed this myself, but I've heard stories. This just proves to me that if for some reason our relationship doesn't work out, it will come crashing down around both of us...ending in someone's car being torched and someone's stuff burning on the lawn...perhaps the flaming car driving into the house for good measure. You know...something you'd see on an episode of COPS...or Jerry Springer. But, like I said...I love him and so far we have both been quite reasonable when it comes to disagreements. I think it's because perhaps we know how dirty the other will fight so, we just don't.

For other people....you know the ones....those that get under your skin simply by being alive...may God help you. I used to be a little better at smothering that side of me...and, frankly, it makes me sick. So when you come to ask me if the elevator isn't working when you have clearly been on it and pressed the button and nothing has happened.....don't get pissed at me if I look into your eyes and tell you that I'll cut you if you don't walk away from me. Don't be taken aback if after the 27th time of locking yourself out of the computer system on the same day because you've forgotten your password I calmly tell you that I'm going to set you on fire. And, if we are on the phone while you are giving me your latest complaint and droning on and on about something after I've already given you the answer, and you suddenly hear silence on my end.....RUN! I'm coming for you. This is my only warning! You are clearly too stupid to live. You are why I no longer have patience for people.