Somewhere in the back of my mind it's always been there. Where did my complete lack of self worth come from? Where did my need to become what others wanted me to be in my teens and early 20's come from? Why was I hopelessly co-dependent back then? Why have I never had self confidence?
It has all been coming back to me. It came crashing down on me last night. She was always overly critical of Everyone and Everything, but especially of me. She still is. She has never had confidence in me. She has never believed in me. Therefore, I have never believed in myself. She criticized EVERY decision I've ever made. She criticized everything about me...my hair, my face, my weight, my clothes...everything. She used to say that if she died, I should jump into the grave with her because I wouldn't be able to survive without her. Today she criticizes my parenting skills, my abilities as a wife, still the way I look and dress, the decisions I make. Nothing I do is right. She takes the life out of everything for me. Everything. It doesn't matter what I do or what I say, nothing I do will ever be enough for her. She will never be able to accept me as I am. She will never offer words of encouragement. She will never see the pain that she's caused me and see what unimaginable horrors that I've endured over the years because of the overwhelming need I had to be what others wanted me to be. She will never understand that. Why is it so hurtful even as I am staring at 40? I'm not enough. I'm never going to be enough. Not for her. Never in her eyes.
I've developed a fairly thick skin over the years so that it doesn't affect me as often as it used to. But, from time to time...it's like getting the wind knocked out of you. This time is the worst because I came to the complete and total realization last night that it will never get better. I'm not enough and I never will be. The only way to save myself in this situation is to find a way to...push her out of my life. Can that be right? It seems so extreme...even in the name of self preservation. But I can't survive the gut wrenching depression that threatened to take my life years ago. I'm finally at a point in my life where happiness is woven into almost every fiber of my life. I can't afford to let this drag me back down under the depths of the crushing weight of pain the she causes me. I hate being around her. I hate talking to her. I find myself wishing horrible things...and that is truly an awful feeling...but, sadly, more bearable than the way she makes me feel with her condescending bullshit.
Now that I truly understand that I will never be enough, where do I go from here?
11 months ago