In Hell

My 8 year old has been throwing words like hell and ass around lately. Now, I know what you are thinking...with a mother with a mouth like that, it's no wonder. I assure you that I don't use language like that around my children. My potty mouth is only used in adult company no where near tiny ears.

My little red head's fascination with cussing seems to have started about the same time I started letting him play with the neighborhood kids. My mother describes these children as "worldly." Yeah...whatever. Now my kid sits down at the computer and instead of looking up Chipmunk songs on You Tube or playing games on Cartoonnetwork.com, he looks up Elmo's Gotta Gun on You Tube...and a host of other horrifying things no 8 year old should be looking up. I monitor his Internet use...I half expected to walk into the room and find him watching porn this afternoon. God help me! Plus the little tramp that just moved in next door (11 years old) seems to have a crush on my 8 year old. She torments him...in that flirty, teasing sort of way. I was absolutely horrified to discover him in her house the other day. He is strictly forbidden from going into any of the neighbor's houses. That was the first time he's ever broken the rule. Clearly the little temptress is cunning. I thought I'd have a few more years before I had to worry about this sort of thing. Ugh!


So, impressing upon my little darling that that kind of language is unacceptable seems to be an uphill battle. He fell and scraped his arm today. So, he runs up and down the hallway sucking in and blowing out air a la Peter Griffin and yells "I'm in pain like I'm in hell!" He doesn't know pain just yet. But if he keeps throwing that word out, he will. Another shining example that he not only uses the word, but has that uncanny knack of using it at the most inappropriate of times...last week we met my in-laws for dinner. We sat at the table and the boy went under the table. I scooted over (thinking that he was going to the other side of the table) and accidentally kicked him. He screamed "OW!! What the hell?!" right as my in-laws walked up to the table. Yay! I'm so excited that my adorable little darling is honing his new vocabulary.


Okay...he's a straight A student. He's fucking brilliant. He's cute. He's absurdly intuitive for an 8 year old. But, he's not an adult. I joke that he's 8 going on 30. But he is really only 8. Only 8. Only 8!!!!!!!!! He's already asked me about sex. WTF?! That was a year ago. Help me!


I promise that nothing weird goes on in our house. Nothing nefarious. He's not up in the middle of the night watching Showtime or anything (I know because I'm up all hours of the night). But, surely, this can't be normal.


All of you that used to be 8 year old boys...let me hear from you. Is this normal? What did you think about when you were 8? I know I have friends that were geniuses (ummm...hello Valedictorian...I know you're here...GT students...Honors students...I know you come here because you are fascinated by the awesomeness that is me). Please tell me that your genius minds thought like this at 8 because I'm really starting to freak out here.