Fame!

I've given it a lot of thought. And, by a lot of thought I mean...I've stopped doing anything for my family, I toss some food at the kids occasionally (only to keep the authorities from finding things to prosecute me for), stopped watching television, stopped cleaning the house...and I only go to work because I couldn't post this if I didn't have electricity.

So...given a lot of thought and I really think that I would totally rock as a famous person. Now...I must find something to be famous for. Hmmmm....any suggestions? I mean apparently you can be famous for just about anything...getting pregnant, trying to stab someone with a slotted spoon, walking naked along a rail line carrying a jelly donut. Literally anything...so what should I do?

I could act. I think I would love being an actor. Except I am petrified of the thought. I've been on stage in front of hundreds of people before and did just fine. I've sung, I've danced. I've played piano for crowds. I think I may have acted somewhere at some point (although, my memory...oh my poor memory). If I could get over the fright of having a bunch of people standing around with lights trained on me and having to do a scene, I think I could BE SOMEBODY!

How does a person audition? I would probably just die of a heart attack on the spot. Think of it like...dating. You see someone you are interested in...you work yourself into a complete fucking crazy person trying to think of some way to make that person like you enough to give you a chance. You go on your first date and...you are so nervous you say inappropriate things, sweat so profusely that they are sure you have a medical problem...probably drink too much because you're nervous...and then puke all over him/her. Then when they tell you that it's just not going to work out, you wonder what you did wrong and why will no one like you? Why me, God?! Why? Or better yet...they don't ever call you again and you are left hanging. Audition. It sounds like such a dirty word. There are people watching you, trying to decide if your look is right (or could be made to look right), if your voice is right, if your mannerisms are right, if you have that "hotness" that all the studios are looking for...basically, it's a meat market...are you the right cut.

So, is it fame that I'm craving? Not so much. I have anger issues and doubt that I would be able to control myself if a life sucking prick followed me into a store and snapped pictures of me buying tampons. Seriously...the next series of pictures would show me lunging for the guy's eyes with the above mentioned slotted spoon. So, maybe not fame...although, fame does tend to bring more work...so I guess I'd have to suck it up and take the bad with the incredibly fucking awesome.

Could I be a studio trained media whore, though? I'm not so sure. I know that I would be contractually obligated to be seen and say certain things "I loved working with so and so, " "The whole cast is like my family," "This movie is truly a work of art." How often do you hear actors saying..."This movie is crap. These people suck. I hope they all die a slow, painful death. Seriously, that bitch may have a smoking hot body, but she can't form a sentence...or read one." To me, THAT would make a great interview. Okay...so you don't get to work with those people again and there might be lawsuits...but you'd at least be interesting. I would be too tempted to mess with interviewers and give random information about nothing having to do with anything.

Oh my God. The fun I would have. Now...can anyone give me any ideas as to how to get over my fears of auditioning? And where to get an agent? And perhaps a hit man, because I don't handle rejection or criticism well? Anyone?