Shuffle off the buffalo and buffle off the shuffle-o

My dad died September 14, 2009. To say that he had been in bad health would be an understatement. Just in the past couple of years he had gotten so bad that he couldn't walk without a great deal of assistance, and even then he fell down a lot. Congestive heart failure, really bad diabetes, high blood pressure, about 59% kidney function, hardening of the arteries, and a host of other maladies. He had been in a great deal of pain over the past few weeks. His hip and his legs gave him excruciating pain.


Still, with all of his pain and all of his illnesses, my dad didn't want anyone to worry about him. He wanted to help others. He would give away the shirt off his back to help someone in need. He worried about his younger brother who has been in the hospital now for about 6 weeks. None of his other brothers gave a damn about the youngest. They would let him rot in the hospital and not so much as feel an ounce of guilt.


My dad worked hard all of his life. When I was a child, my dad worked 3 jobs to make sure that our family was taken care of and to make sure that I had opportunities available to me that I may not have had otherwise. Both of my parents instilled in me a strong work ethic. I learned that it was important to work to take care of your family. I learned the importance of being there for family regardless of past hurts or disagreements. Family should always be there for one another.


My dad used to drive me to preschool and kindergarten with the windows down. We'd sing Old Man River and he'd sing loud and boisterously and people in the other cars would stare at us. I'd get so embarrassed that I'd slide down in my seat so no one could see me, but I'd be giggling all the while. "TOTE THAT BARGE! LIFT THAT BALE! IF YOU DRINK A LITTLE SCOTCH YOU'RE GONNA LAND IN JAIIIIILLLLLL!"

Then when he pulled up in front of my school I'd open the door to get out and he'd say "Shuffle off the buffalo and buffle off the shuffle-o." Every time. I have no idea what it meant or why he started saying it. But I couldn't start my day at school without it back then.


We sang Blue Eyes Cryin in the Rain. It was our song. At my wedding, instead of dancing to 'Daddy's Little Girl" or whatever most brides dance with their fathers to, my dad and I danced to Blue Eyes Cryin in the Rain. Now, I doubt I will ever be able to hear that song without crying myself. I wish I had been strong enough to sing that at his funeral. I think he would have liked that.


Each time I cry when I think of how much I miss my dad, I can hear him telling me "Don't worry about me. I'm okay." That's the way he was. Even as sick as he was and even in all the pain he was in he would tell others not to worry about him and that he was okay. That man could be in the hospital for open heart surgery and would tell those that visited him not to worry.


My dad loved to travel. He especially loved cruises. He and my mom would go on at least one cruise a year. I remember trips with him when I was a kid. A trip to Gatlinburg, Tennessee when I was really young almost ended with the two of us falling off a mountain. We were sliding down on a bobsled and we flipped off the track into the snow close to the edge of the side of the mountain. As alarmed as he was, he just laughed so I wouldn't be upset. He took me swimming on one of our vacations and I fell off the top of the ladder at the swimming pool. He saw that I wasn't hurt so he laughed so that I wouldn't get upset and cry from being so scared.


I know my dad was wild in his younger days. I love to hear those stories. But, more than anything, I remember my dad as being strong and caring. He may not have always expressed his love, but I always knew that he did love me.


Another important lesson I learned from my dad was that you make your own good time. Don't sit around waiting for someone else to show you a good time. So, those of you that know how goofy I am and why I find humor in even the most morbid of times, it was my father's lesson. I make my own good time. I use humor in just about everything I do. Perhaps others don't always appreciate my humor, but that isn't my problem...I'm having a good time.


I never wanted to disappoint my parents. Sadly, I'm sure I disappointed them quite a bit. But, my dad told me "don't worry about what we think. You do what will make you happy and what you think is best for you." I tried this one, but I still feel guilty about disappointing them. I stayed in the New Orleans area because I wanted to make sure my parents were okay. I knew it would be difficult for them if their only child moved far away. I stay here now because I want my kids to know my parents.


My dad was a wonderful grandfather. He loved my kids more than words can describe. My dad always looked forward to seeing my son and daughter. He had such a close and special relationship with my son. If he went a week without seeing my son, I'd get a phone call telling me how much he was missing him. He positively glowed when he was around my kids. He was truly a proud grandfather.

My dad loved music. He collected records for years. When he got a computer and found out you could download music...he loaded his computer up with songs. He'd find obscure songs that most people have never heard of.

My dad loved NASCAR. It used to drive me crazy when I was a kid. I never understood what was so interesting about watching a bunch of people drive around in a circle really fast for hours. I've grown to like it more now. It broke his heart when Dale Earnhardt died.

When my dad would hear of someone in need, he would work to try and help that person and their family out. He wouldn't always know exactly how to go about doing that, but he would try his best. He would talk to people and try to get donations or work on setting up benefits.


My dad was so good hearted and compassionate. People, including some of his own family members, would take advantage of his kind heart. He would give away every penny he had. My mother finally had to put her foot down because he was giving money to people that weren't doing anything to help themselves. My dad finally realized that giving money to people that refused to work wasn't helping those people at all. It pained him to tell them no, but he knew that it was better for them.


I love my dad and I will always miss him. I pray that I will be able to live my life in ways that honor him and would make him proud. I pray that I will be able to keep his memory alive in my children.



"Someday when we meet up yonder, we'll stroll hand in hand again, in a land that knows no sorrow. Blue eyes cryin in the rain."

I want you to want me

It's reunion time again. I've spent much of the past decade or so trying to avoid people. Now that I'm getting back into the world, I'm realizing why I left in the first place. Let me try to explain.

I was an extremely shy child. I would even go so far as to say that I should have had some sort of professional help or some sort of intervention when I was younger. I was uncomfortable talking to my parents. I was never truly comfortable around the neighborhood kids. It didn't help that the neighborhood kids thought that I was stuck up because I was so...quiet and removed for lack of better words. I was afraid they wouldn't like me so I tried to stay by myself. But because I stayed by myself instead of playing with them, it made them not like me. Oh...we developed friendships eventually. But I always sensed that I would never be part of their inner circle. There are several times that I remember being left out or picked last. Just kids being kids. But it certainly didn't help my already fragile self esteem.

Growing up, I continued to spend a good deal of time by myself. In the summers, I stayed up late (I usually didn't get to sleep until the sun came up). I would usually be going to bed when the neighborhood kids were getting up. I'd be waking up when they were going inside for dinner. I'm not saying it was the best plan, but it's just what it was. I watched movies. I listened to music. I created my own little world where I wouldn't have to deal with the hurt and insecurity that I felt. If I didn't put myself out there, there was no way I could be hurt. Now, I was quite young so I'm sure that's not what I was thinking. It's only been recently that I've realized that that was basically what it boiled down to.

I had few friends. Not because I couldn't get friends, but because I chose to only spend time with a few people. I spent a great deal of time and effort even as a child trying really hard to keep those friends. I always felt that I wasn't anything special enough to keep a friend. I have always made it clear that I would be there for them if they needed me and I always was. I don't remember one instance in which any of them was there for me when I was having a hard time.

Clearly, in my mind, they considered me only a back up fair weather friend. Someone to have fun with when no one else was available.

Fast forward to when I began dating. I spent a great deal of time and effort trying hard to be what that person needed and wanted. I abandoned all pride and any shred of self worth that I had simply to make him happy. This didn't end with him. I did this through every relationship I had for many years. What guy remains interested in a girl that literally lives her life only to make him happy? It sounds nice in the beginning to them, but in reality it actually sucks. People need challenges and common interests and mutual respect among many other things to make any relationship work.

This wasn't exclusive to my dating relationships. I lacked friends and I needed friends. I would find ways to insinuate myself into situations in which certain people would be in just so that I would have the opportunity to get to know people. I didn't know HOW to go about making friends so I schemed and planned and managed to get some friends. Again, I never felt truly comfortable in the group. I tried so hard. I wanted them to need me as much as I needed them. I'm sure that all my efforts simply pushed people away. I didn't realize that then.

I was accused of being manipulative by several people...guys I dated, people I was trying to be friends with, others. I didn't understand that. I was only trying to be what they wanted me to be so that they wouldn't leave. I felt that I had put myself out there and did everything I could for people and I expected them to always be there for me. But, time and again I found myself feeling alone and unhappy. I felt like an outsider no matter who I spent time with. I have never had a real best friend...someone that will put up with your tear filled midnight calls when you are fighting with your boyfriend, someone that will come to your house and coach you through your anxieties when you are starting a new job, someone that can just as easily and happily go out drinking and partying with you one night to being your personal savior the next night, someone that will defend you to others when someone tells lies about you, someone that can make you feel comfortable just being you.

I've never had someone, especially as an adult, that I thought would love to grab a pizza and spend the night at my house watching movies and just being silly. I'm jealous of women that have friendships like that. As an adult it's down right impossible to develop friendships. I've joined the ladies group at my son's school and have gone to the socials and volunteered to work with them, but I still feel like an outsider.

Don't get me wrong. I don't feel like a victim. I don't view myself as a victim. I certainly don't ask for sympathy or any silly bullshit like that. The reason I chose to stop pursuing friendships several years ago is because I have felt betrayed all too often by people that claimed to be my friends. I have never felt truly comfortable with people. While I don't feel like a victim, I also don't view myself as a manipulator. Looking back, I can understand how people can believe that of me. However, all I've ever wanted was to have people that I could talk to, feel comfortable with whether we were going to dinner and a movie, going to a concert, hanging out in from of the tv, having a few drinks somewhere, or if any of us is having a difficult time.

I started to think that maybe I just held people up to some impossible to attain standard and was always let down. But, I don't think so. Friends are people that can make you feel loved without ever needing to say "I love you." Friends are people that allow you to be yourself and love you for it. Friends will offer advice and seek advice from you. Friends will not ignore you (which is what I get a lot of even now...and, even as an adult, it's hurtful). Friends will be your sounding board and expect you to be theirs.

In my husband I have found someone who accepts me as I am, but expects me to continually grow as I accept him and expect him to grow. In him I have found someone who challenges me every day as I challenge him. He loves me for me.

Are there any others out there that can accept me as I am? I doubt anyone will call me manipulative these days because I no longer work so hard to put myself in their path. Either you want to get to know me or you don't. Either you like me or you don't. As badly as I'd like to have close friends to spend time with and share stories with, I refuse to change who I am for others anymore. Take me as I am or not at all.

Stand up, Step up, or Shut up!

I get it. Politics suck. Politicians suck. I've never seen a politician that I trust. You are stupid if you believe one word of what comes out of their mouths. Not one of them can be trusted. Oh, they may start out with good intentions, but once they get in the game there isn't one of them that stays in it for honest motives. Not one.

Now, you don't like the way the country is being run. Do something about it. You don't like that we seem to be heading towards government run health care system, write your congressmen. You don't like H.R. 45: Blair Holt's Firearm Licensing and Record of Sale Act of 2009, write your congressmen. If you think that H.R. 757: To redesignate the Federal building and United States Courthouse located at 200 East Wall Street in Midland, Texas as the "George H. W. and George W. Bush United States Courthouse and George Mahon Federal Building" is a huge fucking waste of taxpayer funds and time, WRITE TO YOUR CONGRESSMEN. If you do not agree with something our government is doing, write to them...start a movement...get a petition going.

What I would like for you to do, however, is stop fucking bitching to me about it. On some points I may agree with you and others I do not. Either way, I'm not the person to complain to. When I get pissed about the asshats in charge doing something else that I don't approve of, I fire off a heated letter....to my elected officials. I make my voice heard. Now, sure, sometimes I am the minority and their vote goes the other way, but at least I have let them know how I feel. And, let me just say that when writing to your elected officials, back up your arguments with facts, not hearsay, not media spun bullshit, not threats. Give logical, well thought out reasoning. Encourage others to do the same and MAYBE WE CAN GET THOSE FUCKERS TO ACTUALLY REPRESENT US FOR A CHANGE INSTEAD OF JUST SAYING THEY DO.

My point in this whole thing is LEAVE ME THE FUCK OUT OF IT. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR OPINION. All you succeed in doing is irritating me and weighing the pros and cons of a prison sentence for stomping you into the ground.

Thank you and God Bless America!

How Deep Is Your Love

The past few weeks I've been fairly busy. I work all day and then I was going to classes 2-3 nights per week. Then, Little Red, my 8 year old, went to California for 11 days with his dad. So, LR and I haven't spent a lot of time together lately and it was bugging both of us. He got back from his trip 2 days ago. Last night after we all went to bed, I got up and went to lay in his bed for a bit. He asked me "Why aren't you sleeping with Pere?" I told him that I just wanted to come lay down with him for a little while because I had missed him so much. He said "You really do love me!"

Dramatic much?

Me: Of course I love you

LR: Would you love me if I killed people? (definitely my kid)

Me: Yes

LR: Would you love me if I killed everyone? (should I be concerned?)

Me: Yes. I would love you. I wouldn't like the choices you've made, but I would love you. Why are you asking these questions?

LR: I just wanted to see how deep your love is

My Name is My Name is.........

I understand that there are A LOT of people in the world. I understand that you meet throngs of people each day and can't be bothered to actually remember everyone's name. However, you should make a fucking point of learning and committing to memory the names of the fucking people that PAY YOU, that MAKE SURE YOUR BENEFITS ARE CORRECT, THAT PROTECT YOU FROM THE ASS CLOWNS THAT ARE YOUR BOSSES THAT WANT TO FORCE YOU TO USE VACATION TIME FOR A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT INSTEAD OF SICK TIME. Yes. These people's names you should remember. Make a point of it. Use it when you meet us for the first time. Write it down. Take a picture of us, write our name on it, and tape it up next to the picture of your family you keep at your desk. Because if you continue to call me by someone else's name even though you've been here for a year, I did your orientation, I answer your phone calls and emails about your insurance problems, I visit your office several time each year with important information, I harass you about getting your training done each and every month, and I'm the one that makes sure that you have fucking working air condition in the middle of the fucking summer when it's over 100 degrees outside...I promise you I'll make sure you'll never get another paycheck. I promise you that I'll lose your insurance enrollment forms. I promise you that the air condition will never work in your office again except during the coldest months of the year when I will make sure that it's set to 10 degrees.



Learn my name! I am but one person. I have to learn all 130 of your names. Don't fuck with me.

If it's in the computer, it must be so

Yesterday I went to the doctor. I don't ever really mind going to the doctor. I usually have...an...experience. Yesterday was no exception. The new medical assistant was taking my vitals and was asking me questions to verify that I was, in fact, me. However, she asked WAAAAYYYYY more questions than anyone ever has there.

Ass Clown Medical Assistant: Do you know your birthdate?

Me: Yes, I do.

ACMA: What is it?

Me: 1-28-71

ACMA: Are you sexually active?

Me: Define "active"

ACMA: Are you having sex?

Me: Well, not right now. That would be awkward, wouldn't it?

ACMA: I need to put down something.

Me: My husband and I are rarely together awake without the kids. What do you think? But, maybe once or twice a year we manage to get our groove on. Geez.

ACMA: Let's see....you've had a tonsilectomy, a ooectomy, a google-ectomy, LEEP, CS-1.

Me: *blank stare*

Me: *blink* Ummm...okay.

ACMA: You've been pregnant 4 times and you have 3 children?

Me: No

ACMA: The computer says you've been pregnant 4 times.

Me: Yes, I have been. But, I have 2 children.

ACMA: The computer says you have 3 living children.

Me: That would be incorrect then.

ACMA: So, you were pregnant 4 times?

Me: Yes.

ACMA: The computer says you have 3 children at home.

Me: Well, if you want to get fucking technical about it, yes. However, I can tell you with a great fucking deal of certainty that I only have 2 living children. Thank you so much for brightening my day.

ACMA: I'm sorry ma'am. I'm just going by what the computer says.

Me: Can we move this along? I'd like to go slit my wrists now.

ACMA: Let's see...your tests came back abnormal in 1998 and in 2008. Is that right?

Me: If that's what the computer says.

ACMA: Alrighty, let's take your blood pressure!

Me: Is this a joke?

ACMA: What?

Me: You seriously go through all of that and THEN you want to take my blood pressure?

ACMA: Haha!

Now, once that ass clown left the room, everything was fine. The doctor came in and the usual crazy went on.

My doctor talks like the guy from the Micro Machine commercials. Really fucking fast. It's like she main lines Starbucks extra caffeinated extra venti 6 word coffees. It's funny. So she comes in:

Micro Machine Doctor: Heyhowareyouyou'relookinggoodwow!

Me: Hey! Thanks!

MMD: Youlostweightyoulookgood

Me: Yeah. Thanks

MMD: Howarethekids?

Me: Great

MMD: Welllet'sseeyouhadanatypicalcellonyourlasttestsowe'llrunthetestthistimeandgofromthere

Me: Okie dokie. Sounds good

MMD: Whatkindofbirthcontrolareyouusing?

Me: Abstinence. We hardly spend time together

MMD: *laughs* Couldyoutalktomy18yearoldpatients? *laughs*

Me: *laughs*

Then the whole exam thing was bizarre in and of itself because she and her nurse proceeded to chat with each other and with me and I'm just like...."Could we possibly wait until I'm dressed and don't have my legs in stirrups to have this discussion?" More laughter.

Now, MMD and I did have that "I need to make sure that I never get pregnant again" talk. She went over several things, but she feels quite strongly that I have been through a lot in my life and really my husband should man up and just get the fucking vasectomy.

I love her

"What Made You So Shy?"

I'm taking acting classes. I know...cool, right? Anyway, acting is something that I've always wanted to do, but have allowed that overwhelming fear of speaking in front of people keep me from so much as trying it. Just the mere thought of standing in front of people and having to speak made my stomach go in knots and makes me want to throw up. Well, over the past few years I've made some progress. I wouldn't say that I'm ready to give any major speeches, but I can at least get my fat ass up and talk. If I say something stupid, I can laugh at myself instead of walking in front of a bus. The embarassment truly isn't as bad as you would think. Hell, cancer is bad....war is bad...embarassment is really nothing.

That first class where I had to stand up and introduce myself and give a little information about why I was interested in acting was the worst. That was the first step. Nearly 8 or 9 weeks later, I have to say that I am more confident. Oh, I absolutely get a case of nerves before I get up there, but it's nothing like it used to be. I'm able to make eye contact when speaking. I'm able to form coherent thoughts. I am discovering that not only do I enjoy acting, but I actually have some talent. Go fucking figure.

This past week I went to my first Improv class. Now, although I've gotten more comfortable performing in front of people, I have to say that just the mere word Improv makes me nervous. I can't even think of it without getting myself worked into a near deathly panic. But, I actually enjoyed the class. I had to get up in front of class and tell them what experience I had with acting (virtually none...unless you want to include working at hotels for years...boy, do hotel employees tell whoppers on the spot all day, every day), why I was interested in acting, when I became interested, etc. Well, I got up and was surprisingly more confident and not really all that uncomfortable compared with the very first acting class I had taken weeks before.

I have been interested in acting all my life. I used to act in my room at home. My cousin would come up with stories and we'd act them out. He filmed one of them when we were about 10 years old or so. It was great. I loved it. But, I was already pretty shy and as I got older I only got more shy. When I told the class this the Improv coach asked "What made you so shy?" That question actually kind of threw me for a loop because I never really gave it a lot of thought. But, it's nearly all I've thought about since he asked.

Let's see....what made me so shy......

She never wanted children. He wanted a lot of children. I was the compromise. All of their hopes and dreams were squarely on my shoulders. She expected a lot. She set the bar really high and I was never able to quite reach it. I learned early that it was a lost cause, but I still kept trying.
She has a certain strict set of rules that EVERYONE should live by and I was the only one under her control. And, control she did. So much so that she told me that if she died, I should just jump in the grave with her because I wouldn't be able to function without her.
Anytime I had an idea or made a plan or got excited about something that I wanted to do, I was basically shot down most of the time. "You can't do that," "You're not going to want to do that," and so on.
As I got older, I dated some of the most controlling guys a person could possibly meet. Just like she did, they dictated what I should wear, how much makeup to wear, who I could talk to, etc. Honestly, what the fuck was I thinking back then? Pretty much the worst thing that could happent to a female happened to me when I was 18. It took me YEARS to get past this. I spent some time single and it was all on me to do what I wanted. It was so freeing. It was wonderful. Still, the fear, the lack of self confidence, and the need to have someone's approval was always there.

What changed? What gave me the courage to begin down this path to what I hope will be fearlessness? Well, something pretty life changing occurred about 7 years ago. I told myself on that day that I wouldn't waste one more minute of my life on negativity. I began figuring out what I wanted to do. I began to slowly throw off those chains that have been placed upon me by those in my life that were keeping me from becoming the person I was meant to be.
Then, only a few months ago, I was slammed with a realization that was so powerful and so forceful that it truly felt like I was punched in the gut. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for her. She will never accept me for the person that I am. She will never like what I choose to do. It was gut wrenching to realize. But, I processed it and I came through it stronger and more determined to do whatever the fuck I wanted to do. I would force myself through the fear so that when I look back on my life I will be able to say that I had the guts to follow my dreams. Sure, I'm starting a bit late, but the point is that I'm doing it.

Now, I may never be a famous actress. I may never become rich as an actress. Neither of those things mean anything to me. I love acting. I absolutely love it. The more I do it, the more I want to do it. I'm getting impatient for the opportunity to actually have a complete body of work to do instead of just short scenes. But, I know that I'm really early on in my training and I need to keep it up. I'd like to be able to support my family with my work as an actress. If I could make at least what I'm making at my job now, I'd be thrilled. Anything more than that will send me running naked down the street squealing like a stuck pig in complete and total glee. But, if I never get an acting job. If all I do is train and go to audition after auditon and never get a part...I'll still be thrilled because I'm working towards something great. I'll be able to look back on my life and know that I worked hard, I enjoyed the ride, and I did what the fuck I wanted to do. There will be no more regrets.