Oh My God! I can't believe it's YOU!

So, I went to a junior high school reunion. Yes, that's right. I said JUNIOR high school. I thought it was bizarre myself. Anyway, I fully expected to get there and be bored. I know it's awful to say this, but I really had no interest in seeing any of those people again. It's not that I wish any of them any ill, but the past is the past and well, no need to drag out all those memories and shit.

Fuck it. I went. At first, I didn't recognize anyone. Seriously, I was looking around and there was absolutely no one that I saw that looked even vaguely familiar. Okay. So, my husband and I had paid to be there and there was liquor and food and we had each other. We got a couple of drinks and started chatting with each other. I was perfectly okay with talking to my husband. He's so cute. (Hi honey! You are the sexiest man alive. You rock my world, baby. *blows kisses in your direction*) Anyway, I look over and see the person I was looking forward to seeing there....my friend Bobby. (Sorry, but you will forever be Bobby to me. I have no idea who this Bob person is) Okay, so it was awkward at first with everyone. Once I had a few drinks in me, I felt more comfortable and was able to chat with people. Still, I recognized almost no one. People would come up to me with that whole "Oh my God! It's been so long! How've you been?" And I would stand there and do my best to convince this person that I remembered them. Truth is, until I saw their name tags, I had no fucking clue who 3/4 of those people were.
As a bonus, those of us that paid ahead of time got to have one of our year book pictures on our name tag. And, as a double bonus, they seemed to have chosen the worst picture of the 3 year book pictures. Awesome! My husband just kept telling me that I looked like a boy. Fucker!

All in all, the night went well. I enjoyed myself. I didn't get as hammered as I ordinarily would have so I didn't make the usual ass of myself. I didn't dance. I didn't take my clothes off. I didn't make out with anyone. I didn't end up in the pool...although I tried hard to get Bobby into the pool. I even promised that if he went in, I'd get in. But, it didn't happen.

As much as I really didn't want to go, I had fun.

My 20 year high school reunion is in just a few weeks. I can't wait! Again, there are only a few people I have any interest in seeing, but what the hell. I may actually make an ass of myself at that reunion. I can't wait to share it with you.

Sweet Dreams are NOT made of these

Red, my 8 year old, is a sleepwalker. This is merely a progression (I suppose) from the night terrors he's had since he was a baby. If you've never experienced a baby (or a child...or anyone for that matter) having night terrors, count yourself as very lucky.



When Red was only a few months old I was woken up by an ear shattering scream from him that one could only assume meant that he'd been stabbed. I went from dead sleep to leaping in 3 strides into his room. When I got there, his eyes were open and he was just screaming. I checked him from head to toe and there was no sign of any injury. He was still screaming. I changed him, he continued screaming. I tried to give him a bottle, he continued screaming. I rocked him, he continued screaming. I sang to him, he continued screaming. I put him in the car and drove him around, he continued screaming. His eyes were wide open, but he was, in fact, still asleep. This only happened a few times, thank GOD. It is a helpless feeling when there is nothing you can do to console your child and he can't even tell you what the problem is.


As he got older and was walking on his own, well, then he began sleepwalking. I have to make sure that all the doors are locked and the keys put somewhere that he can't get to them. In the past he has jumped out of bed and run down the hallway screaming "Momma! Momma!" My room is right next to his and he flew past it. I've found him beating on the back door screaming for me. He's run into the living room screaming for his grandmother. He has even walked into the kitchen thinking it was the bathroom. Thankfully, my husband managed to redirect the boy to the bathroom before he actually peed on the kitchen floor.


I can even tell when Red is about to be sick because he talks in his sleep the night before he gets a fever.


Lately, his sleepwalking activities have go like this...I am suddenly woken up by Red yelling "No! No! No! No! No! No! No!" and then he runs down the hallway. I immediately jump up and attempt to catch him before he gets down the hall, but don't usually make it. I call out his name and he stops, turns, and walks to me and hugs me. I ask him if he's okay. He typically mumbles something unintelligible. Then we walk to his room and he crawls back in bed. The next morning as I'm dragging ass because of exhaustion and he's all smiles and energy, I ask him about it and he has no memory of any of it.


These are just a few of the sleepwalking/sleep talking instances that have gone on in his life. His father is also a sleepwalker/sleeptalker so I suppose that it's inherited. His father actually slept walked out of the house when he was only 4 years old. They found him several blocks away walking along a canal. This is why I'm very careful about locking everything and keeping the keys where he can't get to them. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when he gets older.


He goes through phases. It won't happen for a long time and then we'll have several nights in a row. Also, when he goes through a difficult time (his dad and I are divorced and his dad is not always...the most reliable person) is when his sleep walking takes on the frantic running and yelling. He's not violent or anything, though.


All of this makes for a difficult time for me to sleep. I'm always listening for him...afraid that one night I won't hear him get up and he'll either get out or he'll hurt himself accidentally.


I know I make it sound awful. It's not the harrowing experience that it was when he was a baby. Now he's aware that he sleep walks and when he hears my voice or my husband's voice, he doesn't necessarily wake up, but he calms down and redirects himself, almost as if he's aware while still asleep that he's sleepwalking. It's as if he can control what's going on. Strange, but true.


Anyway...this is a long, boring post. Sorry. This is what happens when I only get an hour of sleep.

Some Day My Prince Will Come....NOT!

Why do women insist on playing stupid games with men? Why? Men are not psychics (the majority of them, anyway). They have no idea that when you say "I'm fine," that you really are upset that he didn't plan anything special for the evening. They truly believe that you are fine and everything is good. They don't know that you are hoping for roses and champagne and a romantic carriage ride instead of grabbing a nice dinner and going to a movie. Most guys do the best they can with the knowledge they have. If you want something special or out of the ordinary, you need to let him know. Don't expect that just because you casually mentioned 2 months ago how you wanted to take a pottery class that he's going to sign you up for one for your birthday.

Yes. There are those guys that are even more dense. You could give them a list of things that you want for Christmas complete with pictures, sizes, color preference, prices, which store/aisle/place in the aisle to find each item and they'll still say "I have no idea what to get you for Christmas." In those instances I suggest that you just go buy your own damn gifts, wrap them, and put your own name on it. He's just not going to get it.

Disney has planted this ridiculous notion in the female head that there are princes out there that will be romantic and we'll live "happily ever after." Hon, you can't depend on any guy to be your "happily ever after." You need to find what you are looking for within yourself. Guys are not romantic creatures by nature. They are (I hate to even say this since I'm a female myself) more logical and rational than most women. They look at a tree and see a tree. They don't look at a tree and imagine the two of you lounging on a picnic blanket under that tree sharing a bottle of champagne and having romantic moments. So, unless you tell your man exactly what the fuck you want, you shouldn't be fucking disappointed when you don't get it.

Bottom line, ladies. If you don't tell men what you want, they will never know. Don't get pissed at them because you said "You don't have to get me anything for my birthday," and he doesn't. That's completely your fault.

TELL THEM WHAT YOU WANT. SAY WHAT YOU MEAN! And, trust me...your relationship will be much better for it.

A Breath Away

Your time with us was so brief, but you changed my life so profoundly in just those few precious moments. Although my broken heart will never mend, I refuse to be bitter or angry over losing you because it would tarnish the memory of the beautiful, precious time you spent with us. I do truly cherish each second I had with you.

My beautiful angel, I may not be able to hold you or even touch you, but I see you every day. I feel you here with me. You gave me hope when I thought all was lost. You taught me to see the beauty in everything. You gave me strength when I had none. You gave me courage to go on when all I wanted to do was curl up and die with you. I vowed on that day, April 18, 2002, to make every moment of the rest of my life mean something. In your memory, I embrace every breath. In your honor, I embrace life.

So, though you never got the chance to truly live, you have left your mark on this world and left your tiny footprint on my heart.

Dead Inside

I've been told that I'm dead inside. Honestly, the way I see it, it's not a bad thing. It's not that I don't FEEL. It's that I don't SHOW feelings and, ordinarily, I handle tragedy and sadness with humor. It's a coping mechanism for me. To everyone else, it looks like callousness. Fuck 'em.

Death and tragedy are a part of life. If I allow myself to let in all the crappy things that go on in this world, I would crumple into a heap and never be able to function again. It's not that things don't affect me as profoundly as they affect others, but crying about it and dwelling on it will not change anything. The dead are still dead, the sick are still sick, the poor are still poor, injustice is still out there, and there is no prince riding up on a white horse to save the maiden. So, my motto has simply become Suck It Up.

I cry. Sure, I do. It's rare, but it happens. When it happens, it's usually away from others. No need to subject others to that. I don't like discussing my feelings. I'm very much like a male in that regard. Life is too fucking short to lay around feeling sorry for yourself or others or beating someone else over the head with your sob story. Enjoy every moment that you can. The sucky parts of life are what makes the rest so great.

Word

Blame, Forgiveness, and Life

Looking back, it would be easy for me to blame myself for the bad things that happened to others in my life. It would be easy for me to blame myself for the losses I've experienced. But I won't do that. It wasn't my fault. Things happen because they happen. There are things that are out of our control and we have to accept that and move on. Yes. Bad things happen to good people. Bad things happen to all people. If we blame ourselves for the deaths or unhappiness or hurt of others, we would never be able to move on. We would stand still until the day we died and it would be unlikely that our souls would ever be at peace. I will not allow myself to linger in that dangerous area of blame. The pain of the loss is difficult enough without dragging myself down the path of self loathing and blame.

It is better to live my life as a person changed for the better by having known the person I've lost. Continuing to live my life to the fullest would be the greatest tribute to those that can no longer live. If the roles were reversed and I were the one not here instead of them, I would want them to not just go on with their lives, but to follow their dreams, follow their hearts, and take chances. Never stand still. Life is short enough as it is. Who knows, tomorrow it could be you that the world mourns. Would you want your loved ones to stop at that moment and linger in the pity and sadness over your loss? Or would you want them to deal with the grief and push through and find happiness again?

It's one thing to remember a person and keep them in your heart. It's another thing entirely to stop being who you are and essentially end your life when you lose someone. You may go through the motions, but you cannot truly live this way.

And, before anyone gets pissed at me, I have lost people close to me. I have lost a child and came very dangerously close to losing another. I know that overwhelming pain. I know that feeling of wanting to die with them. So, I'm not just being hateful by saying this. If you choose to let the pain swallow you, and it is absolutely a choice because to suggest anything else would mean that you have no control over your life, then you are choosing to leave your life unfinished.

Death is not fair. Life is not fair. We must play the hand we are dealt. Blaming God or fate or whatever or whoever you feel has taken this person away from you also keeps you from growing and dealing with the pain and it keeps you from moving on. We may never know the reasons why our loved ones are taken from us. Cursing God will not heal you. You must let go of the blame. You must let go of the anger.

Make no mistake. I'm not suggesting that you forget that person. We all want and need to be remembered. But rather than using all of your energy being sad, or angry, or blaming yourself or others, use that energy to live your best life. Honor that person by doing all of those things that you've always wanted to do. Don't make excuses. If that person had the opportunity to come back right now, I guarantee that they would make every moment count. So why don't you?

Lose Yourself

Okay. I'm soooo sorry for the previous post. Just working through some of those anger issues I've told you about.

Anyway, I believe I have a hold on myself tonight. I should probably not share that sort of information, though.

Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted, one moment, would you cash it? Or just let it slip?

Yes, I went there. I am addressing things in my life and I am hellbent on trying out for all of the things that I have ever dreamed of doing. I am older than most people that start for their dreams, but whether 18, 38, or 55 why should I not go for it? Why wouldn't you? It's scary. It's definitely pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and putting yourself out there. Failure is more a possibility than success is, but if you don't grab at every chance then you will one day look back on your life and be filled with regret. I want to regret nothing past this point.

To those that know me, that is what's going on with me. This is why I'm doing things that you probably thought I never would. Things that just don't seem like me. You may see a crazy person. Sometimes that's what it takes. Mid life crisis? Maybe. But, I'll use whatever this is running through me to force myself to move forward. I no longer want complacency.

What are your dreams? What are your ambitions? What is keeping you from them? What will you see at the end when you look back on your life? Will there be dreams left unfulfilled simply because you were too afraid to try for them? Will you see failure, but be completely satisfied because at least you gave it your best shot? Will you see success beyond your wildest imaginings?

What will you see?