Saturday, April 11, 2009

Blame, Forgiveness, and Life

Looking back, it would be easy for me to blame myself for the bad things that happened to others in my life. It would be easy for me to blame myself for the losses I've experienced. But I won't do that. It wasn't my fault. Things happen because they happen. There are things that are out of our control and we have to accept that and move on. Yes. Bad things happen to good people. Bad things happen to all people. If we blame ourselves for the deaths or unhappiness or hurt of others, we would never be able to move on. We would stand still until the day we died and it would be unlikely that our souls would ever be at peace. I will not allow myself to linger in that dangerous area of blame. The pain of the loss is difficult enough without dragging myself down the path of self loathing and blame.

It is better to live my life as a person changed for the better by having known the person I've lost. Continuing to live my life to the fullest would be the greatest tribute to those that can no longer live. If the roles were reversed and I were the one not here instead of them, I would want them to not just go on with their lives, but to follow their dreams, follow their hearts, and take chances. Never stand still. Life is short enough as it is. Who knows, tomorrow it could be you that the world mourns. Would you want your loved ones to stop at that moment and linger in the pity and sadness over your loss? Or would you want them to deal with the grief and push through and find happiness again?

It's one thing to remember a person and keep them in your heart. It's another thing entirely to stop being who you are and essentially end your life when you lose someone. You may go through the motions, but you cannot truly live this way.

And, before anyone gets pissed at me, I have lost people close to me. I have lost a child and came very dangerously close to losing another. I know that overwhelming pain. I know that feeling of wanting to die with them. So, I'm not just being hateful by saying this. If you choose to let the pain swallow you, and it is absolutely a choice because to suggest anything else would mean that you have no control over your life, then you are choosing to leave your life unfinished.

Death is not fair. Life is not fair. We must play the hand we are dealt. Blaming God or fate or whatever or whoever you feel has taken this person away from you also keeps you from growing and dealing with the pain and it keeps you from moving on. We may never know the reasons why our loved ones are taken from us. Cursing God will not heal you. You must let go of the blame. You must let go of the anger.

Make no mistake. I'm not suggesting that you forget that person. We all want and need to be remembered. But rather than using all of your energy being sad, or angry, or blaming yourself or others, use that energy to live your best life. Honor that person by doing all of those things that you've always wanted to do. Don't make excuses. If that person had the opportunity to come back right now, I guarantee that they would make every moment count. So why don't you?


  1. Because I'm an idiot. Because I'm afraid. And mostly because if I analyze what I've done since I lost her, I will realize that where I am now is not where I want to be, which would mean leaving my husband, moving away, and forgetting that this life ever existed.

  2. You can keep what you have now AND follow your dreams. You don't have to give up what you have or forget anything. Just push yourself out of your comfort zone. Start doing those things that you truly want to do. Take one step at a time. Because you know that if you don't, you will be overflowing with regrets.
    You can do it if you put your mind to it.
    You are only an idiot if you acknowledge that you are holding yourself back and don't do anything about it. Fear can be conquered.