Some Day My Prince Will Come....NOT!

Why do women insist on playing stupid games with men? Why? Men are not psychics (the majority of them, anyway). They have no idea that when you say "I'm fine," that you really are upset that he didn't plan anything special for the evening. They truly believe that you are fine and everything is good. They don't know that you are hoping for roses and champagne and a romantic carriage ride instead of grabbing a nice dinner and going to a movie. Most guys do the best they can with the knowledge they have. If you want something special or out of the ordinary, you need to let him know. Don't expect that just because you casually mentioned 2 months ago how you wanted to take a pottery class that he's going to sign you up for one for your birthday.

Yes. There are those guys that are even more dense. You could give them a list of things that you want for Christmas complete with pictures, sizes, color preference, prices, which store/aisle/place in the aisle to find each item and they'll still say "I have no idea what to get you for Christmas." In those instances I suggest that you just go buy your own damn gifts, wrap them, and put your own name on it. He's just not going to get it.

Disney has planted this ridiculous notion in the female head that there are princes out there that will be romantic and we'll live "happily ever after." Hon, you can't depend on any guy to be your "happily ever after." You need to find what you are looking for within yourself. Guys are not romantic creatures by nature. They are (I hate to even say this since I'm a female myself) more logical and rational than most women. They look at a tree and see a tree. They don't look at a tree and imagine the two of you lounging on a picnic blanket under that tree sharing a bottle of champagne and having romantic moments. So, unless you tell your man exactly what the fuck you want, you shouldn't be fucking disappointed when you don't get it.

Bottom line, ladies. If you don't tell men what you want, they will never know. Don't get pissed at them because you said "You don't have to get me anything for my birthday," and he doesn't. That's completely your fault.

TELL THEM WHAT YOU WANT. SAY WHAT YOU MEAN! And, trust me...your relationship will be much better for it.

A Breath Away

Your time with us was so brief, but you changed my life so profoundly in just those few precious moments. Although my broken heart will never mend, I refuse to be bitter or angry over losing you because it would tarnish the memory of the beautiful, precious time you spent with us. I do truly cherish each second I had with you.

My beautiful angel, I may not be able to hold you or even touch you, but I see you every day. I feel you here with me. You gave me hope when I thought all was lost. You taught me to see the beauty in everything. You gave me strength when I had none. You gave me courage to go on when all I wanted to do was curl up and die with you. I vowed on that day, April 18, 2002, to make every moment of the rest of my life mean something. In your memory, I embrace every breath. In your honor, I embrace life.

So, though you never got the chance to truly live, you have left your mark on this world and left your tiny footprint on my heart.

Dead Inside

I've been told that I'm dead inside. Honestly, the way I see it, it's not a bad thing. It's not that I don't FEEL. It's that I don't SHOW feelings and, ordinarily, I handle tragedy and sadness with humor. It's a coping mechanism for me. To everyone else, it looks like callousness. Fuck 'em.

Death and tragedy are a part of life. If I allow myself to let in all the crappy things that go on in this world, I would crumple into a heap and never be able to function again. It's not that things don't affect me as profoundly as they affect others, but crying about it and dwelling on it will not change anything. The dead are still dead, the sick are still sick, the poor are still poor, injustice is still out there, and there is no prince riding up on a white horse to save the maiden. So, my motto has simply become Suck It Up.

I cry. Sure, I do. It's rare, but it happens. When it happens, it's usually away from others. No need to subject others to that. I don't like discussing my feelings. I'm very much like a male in that regard. Life is too fucking short to lay around feeling sorry for yourself or others or beating someone else over the head with your sob story. Enjoy every moment that you can. The sucky parts of life are what makes the rest so great.

Word

Blame, Forgiveness, and Life

Looking back, it would be easy for me to blame myself for the bad things that happened to others in my life. It would be easy for me to blame myself for the losses I've experienced. But I won't do that. It wasn't my fault. Things happen because they happen. There are things that are out of our control and we have to accept that and move on. Yes. Bad things happen to good people. Bad things happen to all people. If we blame ourselves for the deaths or unhappiness or hurt of others, we would never be able to move on. We would stand still until the day we died and it would be unlikely that our souls would ever be at peace. I will not allow myself to linger in that dangerous area of blame. The pain of the loss is difficult enough without dragging myself down the path of self loathing and blame.

It is better to live my life as a person changed for the better by having known the person I've lost. Continuing to live my life to the fullest would be the greatest tribute to those that can no longer live. If the roles were reversed and I were the one not here instead of them, I would want them to not just go on with their lives, but to follow their dreams, follow their hearts, and take chances. Never stand still. Life is short enough as it is. Who knows, tomorrow it could be you that the world mourns. Would you want your loved ones to stop at that moment and linger in the pity and sadness over your loss? Or would you want them to deal with the grief and push through and find happiness again?

It's one thing to remember a person and keep them in your heart. It's another thing entirely to stop being who you are and essentially end your life when you lose someone. You may go through the motions, but you cannot truly live this way.

And, before anyone gets pissed at me, I have lost people close to me. I have lost a child and came very dangerously close to losing another. I know that overwhelming pain. I know that feeling of wanting to die with them. So, I'm not just being hateful by saying this. If you choose to let the pain swallow you, and it is absolutely a choice because to suggest anything else would mean that you have no control over your life, then you are choosing to leave your life unfinished.

Death is not fair. Life is not fair. We must play the hand we are dealt. Blaming God or fate or whatever or whoever you feel has taken this person away from you also keeps you from growing and dealing with the pain and it keeps you from moving on. We may never know the reasons why our loved ones are taken from us. Cursing God will not heal you. You must let go of the blame. You must let go of the anger.

Make no mistake. I'm not suggesting that you forget that person. We all want and need to be remembered. But rather than using all of your energy being sad, or angry, or blaming yourself or others, use that energy to live your best life. Honor that person by doing all of those things that you've always wanted to do. Don't make excuses. If that person had the opportunity to come back right now, I guarantee that they would make every moment count. So why don't you?

Lose Yourself

Okay. I'm soooo sorry for the previous post. Just working through some of those anger issues I've told you about.

Anyway, I believe I have a hold on myself tonight. I should probably not share that sort of information, though.

Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted, one moment, would you cash it? Or just let it slip?

Yes, I went there. I am addressing things in my life and I am hellbent on trying out for all of the things that I have ever dreamed of doing. I am older than most people that start for their dreams, but whether 18, 38, or 55 why should I not go for it? Why wouldn't you? It's scary. It's definitely pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and putting yourself out there. Failure is more a possibility than success is, but if you don't grab at every chance then you will one day look back on your life and be filled with regret. I want to regret nothing past this point.

To those that know me, that is what's going on with me. This is why I'm doing things that you probably thought I never would. Things that just don't seem like me. You may see a crazy person. Sometimes that's what it takes. Mid life crisis? Maybe. But, I'll use whatever this is running through me to force myself to move forward. I no longer want complacency.

What are your dreams? What are your ambitions? What is keeping you from them? What will you see at the end when you look back on your life? Will there be dreams left unfulfilled simply because you were too afraid to try for them? Will you see failure, but be completely satisfied because at least you gave it your best shot? Will you see success beyond your wildest imaginings?

What will you see?